I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
