He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
