please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I smell like Dick and happiness
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
