the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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