I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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