Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
