Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
