haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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