everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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