Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
