Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
