I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
