Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I pour the whiskey from now on
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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