Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
