I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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