I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
