How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
