If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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