She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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