she woke up with a sticky ear
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
