I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
