I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
