Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
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He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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