next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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