mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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