Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the day after is always just damage control
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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