I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
