I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize