Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
