How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize