Im at strip club and am horny
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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