She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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