I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
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Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
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Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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