ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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