I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
