Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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