connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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