No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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