dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
