she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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