His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
