Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
