Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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