just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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