omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
