We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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