I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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