the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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