did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Too much gin, very little bucket
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
