he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My feet surprised me
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