two words: eviction party
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
