I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
