Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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