So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
